Improve Your Sex Life

When it comes to watching television, I am generally a day – make that a year – late. I almost never watch new shows. I prefer to let them work out the kinks and decide what they’re really about, and then, if there’s still a sufficient amount of buzz next year or the year after, I look in on the reruns. At present I am happily catching up on old episodes of House and NCIS.

One unintended consequence of this system is that I am exposed to commercials that, I have to assume, are quite different from those that supported the first runs of shows on the old, reliable networks. For some reason these include a striking number that offer to improve my sex life. “How did they know?” is usually the first thought that fleets through my head, with my pride in hot pursuit to squelch it. I’m not at all tempted by the products, but I am often puzzled by the pitches.

Take “Bob.” He’s the hero of some ads for a product that promises “natural male enhancement.” What on Earth is “male enhancement”? Steroids? Not to look at Bob. While he can hit a drive straight down the fairway for what looks to be 300 yards, leaving the rest of his foursome agape, he’s a skinny guy. And in any case, steroids are hardly natural. Come to think of it, if it’s natural, why hasn’t it just happened, you know, naturally?

Bob’s chief characteristic is his painful-looking r ictus of a smile. His chief visible characteristic, I should say, for in another ad, in which he appears to be playing Santa Claus at a company Christmas party, some female coworkers are seen whispering and leering in his direction. We’re pretty sure we know what they’re talking about, for in yet another spot, one I haven’t seen for some time – was it withdrawn from the air for suggestiveness? – Bob dives into a swimming pool, comes up without his trunks, and emerges from the water, at which point the ladies lower their gazes from that smile of his and then gasp in what I suppose is admiration.

Obviously I have studied these commercials. But I still don’t know what “male enhancement” is or anything about this product that is said to produce it, other than that it comes in pills or capsules. Like you, I get spam emails daily offering products that yield a much more explicitly described effect, one measured in inches.

(And how strange those emails can be. This one just popped in:

Female Libido - AA Guide For Partners Wanting To help [URL] Shipping containers could become condos in Detroit

Weird.)

If that is what Bob has enjoyed, why the reticence on TV? To say more or less clearly what they mean would be no more ribald than much ordinary programming. A competing product uses ads with a slightly more direct approach in which a lusty-seeming young woman refers to “that certain part of the male anatomy,” which I take not to be the nose hair. But still only the vaguest sort of allusion to whatever it is that the product actually does.

Then there are some other ads directed at women or couples. These talk around but never directly about some sort of product that produces … well, I don’t know. It seems to be about intensifying the sensations. We’re given fireworks and condescending music as clues, or what T.S. Eliot might have called “objective correlatives” of extreme sexual pleasure. I think.

But what, precisely, is the product (I wonder, idly)?

My first impression was of something perhaps akin to Fizzes, the little tablets that, dropped into a glass of water, produced insipid soft drinks in my youth. Now I struggle to rid myself of that image.

Oddly, too, all the people so mysteriously but satisfyingly enhanced through the use of these products appear to be half my age. Perhaps I should have been watching a long time ago.